Seasons Not Timelines

Last spring the Lord shook up my life and called me unexpectedly back to YWAM for a season in missions. For those of you who have been following this journey you know that this has been a process of choosing open and outstretched hands rather than holding tightly to my future. The Lord has challenged me daily to trust His timing and His word, and walking faithfully in that has been a transformative and deeply important journey, as holding loosely is not a natural posture for me.

As many of you know, my plan was to relaunch with YWAM this December to staff the January school- these plans have changed and I have pushed back my return to July.

In this season I am finding myself at less than my best, and it seems the wisest and most discerning thing to take an extra season at home to prepare my heart and do some hard work to get myself where I need to be. I believe deeply that the Father is doing a redemptive work in my life, and that He is asking me to surrender these next 6 months to Him. I also believe this is a sacred season of sowing and uprooting, and I am deeply grateful for the Father’s graciousness and that His mercies are new every morning.

This fall, a wise missionary advised me, “give God your seasons and your dreams and your goals, not timelines, because He rarely works in timelines.” So that is what I am doing- I am choosing seasons instead of timelines, trust, instead of control, and confidence that He wrote this narrative of my life already with this season in mind.

As you continue to follow my journey and my story would you pray for the Father’s work to be made complete in me, and would you join me in praying for transformation and growth in these months ahead.

I am deeply grateful for all of you who walk with me and have committed to supporting me. I pray that today you would make brave choices towards abundance and wholeness, and most importantly that you would love deeply.

Blessings,

Jess

Small Graces

Ever since I was a child, my grandmother in a time of exasperation, would look for the smallest detail of goodness, and would proclaim half-heartedly “Well, hallelujah for small graces!”

The other day, I found myself frustrated with the way that my day was unfolding, it had felt like I was stumbling through it instead of walking confidently and steadily, and in a moment of irritation I found myself sigh, “Hallelujah for small graces,” at what I perceived to be a trivial moment of fortune.

And then it hit me, my life is entirely strewn together by small but significant graces. 

I’m thankful that my God is not a God who lets me get in my own way, and who is gracious enough to give me insight into the absurdity of my own thought processes and heart posture. He reminded me of where I have been, and were I am going, and these alone are the most tremendous graces that He has orchestrated time and time again with small, daily graces. Small daily acts of His pursuit and His goodness.

What if I chose to live my life in such a way that amidst everything that happened to me I chose to look at it as small graces, tiny and yet personal gifts from God. What if everyday I searched for the thousands of gifts He just gives me because He is good, and even though I don’t deserve it, He gives them anyway.

Gratitude is a choice, and thankfulness is a daily practice. I don’t ever want to lose my wonder or my ability to see the blessings He lays before me. I pray that God would never stop reminding me of His small graces, and I pray that I would be present enough to see them with my very eyes.

Picture Credit: Pinterest (2017). Retrieved from https://www.pinterest.com/pin/AZLrTJzw66sdvWedTmaLJH0KRbz-gcy8-DqKCuJgZTAqR0m8hdw40-U/

Taking Off the Grave Clothes

You and I are fully alive and fully human. We are flesh and blood, created deeply with purpose, and meant for God’s holy purposes. And yet, how often are we wearing grave clothes?

The thing about grave clothes is, they weren’t meant for us, they don’t fit, simply based on the nature of what they are. Grave clothes are for someone who is without life, they are constricting and belittling, and they rob us of abundance, simply because they were not meant for a life of fullness, they were not meant for life at all.

I think the chains we allow to ensnare us, the baggage and the bondage we carry from our pasts and our brokenness and the woundedness we carry, look a lot like grave clothes. When we carry things like shame, and fear, control, and unforgiveness, we walk in grave clothes, because instead of walking in the freedom, in the life of what God gave us on the cross, we are living in death, in scarcity, and outside of the wholeness to which we were created.

In John chapter 11 (NIV) when Jesus calls to Lazarus, beckoning him out of the tomb, He watches Lazarus rise from the dead, and as he emerges, Jesus calls to him and encourages him to take off his grave clothes.

In this season of my life, I hear less of a shouting God, and more of the tender whisper of my Father inviting and whispering “you can take them off, you don’t have to let them bind you anymore, they don’t get to tell you who you are.” These months back at home have been ones of continual undoing as God has faithfully walked alongside me, guiding me towards wholeness and refining my character to look a little more like His. I am learning to trade shame for self-compassion, and control for a greater dependency and faith in God’s provision. I am deeply thankful for this process, and feel as though He is teaching me and preparing me for the things He is laying before me.

One of the things I love most about God, is that He always invites us into abundance, and He never leaves us where we are. Jesus loved Lazarus and his sisters too much to not do a miracle in their lives, drawing them deeper into the wonder of His glory and love. Jesus loved Lazarus too much to leave him bound by the grave clothes. And Jesus loves me too much to leave me in a place of scarcity and lifelessness, but rather He always, beckons me towards His kindness and towards His freedom for His glory.

Take off your grave clothes.

 

Video Credit: Bethel Music

Photo Credit: If Equip. Retrieved from https://www.pinterest.com/pin/49047083425655460/

 

The Best Wrecked Plans

Sometimes I laugh at myself when I ponder how often I think I have it figured out, how often I am 20 steps ahead of what I think is to come, when in all reality all I have are these next few seconds, minutes, hours. Because I know who really has my future. My next weeks, my next months, my coming year- they are all his, and I should know this, because I gave them to him.

If you had asked me a month ago what I was doing, I probably could have given you a five year plan- you see when you’re a planner and a dreamer, the here and now seem too momentary to what’s to come. A month ago I was in the process of finishing up my credential, I was applying to school after school, I was dreaming up my tiny apartment and my own sacred space that I would come home to after long days in my classroom. I was planning in the practical, but God had different plans, plans of the eternal.

In this space of planning and organizing and laying out what seemed like my whole life, the Lord was already moving my heart away from the typical and towards the radical and the wild. He started sowing that seed of missions and discipleship that He had sown just a season earlier, and He started a process of deep release and surrender- He was calling me back to YWAM. This was so not the plan.

These past weeks have been filled with deep anticipation and excitement, but also deep humility as I lay down my plans, my future, and my teaching career all at the Lord’s feet. He has guided me through the process of releasing my grip on these things so that I may hold my hands outstretched to Him, in a posture of receiving His will, as I let go the plans I held onto so tightly. This has been a sweet and sacred process, and I know He is pruning me for a greater purpose, one bigger than anything I could possibly imagine.

In January I will fly across the globe back to New Zealand, and back to Marine Reach where I did my DTS just a year ago. The Lord has called me back to DTS staff for the next year, where I will get to partner with the Lord and walk alongside students who will undergo the transformative process that I went through over my DTS. I will disciple, mentor, and pour out to these students, while I will also get the opportunity of leading outreach teams in 2 month, international, missions. I am deeply humbled to be given this opportunity, and I am expectant that the Lord is going to move in incredible ways in and through me over this year in missions. I will need to raise support for my time there and will be totally and wholly dependent on the Lord. While I have no idea where the money will come from, I am encouraged by the bigness of my God.

Going back to YWAM was never part of my plan. I am learning that even in spite of all the uncertainty and the leaps of faith I am having to make, my own plans could never be compared to the marvelous and radical things that lay ahead. My plans are wrecked, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Ruined for the Ordinary: Life After DTS

I’ve been writing this post in my head for a long time now, its been over a month since I’ve been home from New Zealand. I’ve had a difficult time trying to put to words everything that God did to and through me over those 5 precious months, that set apart season.

So here it is, here is the quintessential summation of my DTS, my outreach, and now my life:

Ruined for the ordinary.

I was ruined for the ordinary on my knees in a chapel in New Zealand, ravished by the sheer greatness of the Father’s great love for me. I was ruined for the ordinary as I sat with a woman, tears running down both of our cheeks as we clasped hands tightly, and she spoke to me about the domestic abuse in her home. I was ruined for the ordinary in the jungle of Vanuatu, sitting beside a 90 year old, toothless, beautiful, woman who needed to be seen, who needed to know she had dignity and value left in her soul, left in her fragile body.

A life ruined looks so much more beautiful than I could fathom, a life surrendered, and a life abundant in all the things that matter. It means that it’s no longer enough for me that people see Jesus in me, but they themselves taste of his great love, because I’ve found that when you’ve been touched by the Father, life will never be the same, and the hunger that grows inside of you can never be satisfied by the things of this world. It means that when I enter my classroom, my students won’t just encounter a woman who is passionate about books, but it means they will encounter a woman who will fight for them, and bring hope to them, because I know the true restorer of hope, and he’s carried my burdens further than I could ever walk alone. It means that I’ve been invited to a radical life, that looks a little less about me, and is more about Him who is changing me and my heart to beat more steadily for the things that His beat for.

Life now looks more like small sacred moments, and less like chaos, baggage, and noise. My days are strung together by that still small voice guiding me, and casting vision for the future. Life is holding onto the promises He has given me, and walking in confidence according to what he has spoken. Life is communion with friends, while across the world or the state, still pursue me, still encourage me, and still point me back to Jesus when my wandering heart is weary. Life now is learning his ways, learning the comfort and the ease of his yoke, and learning to seek him first, above all the noise, above all the distractions.

Life now is about hope, about celebrating the Lord’s faithfulness, and about boldly living out the vision he has cast for my life. Life is messy, and it’s hard, but it’s also beautiful, and it’s brave, and I think that’s how it’s supposed to be lived.. at least that’s how I’m going to live it.

Outreach Bound

It is week 11 of lecture at DTS and we are just one short week away from the outreach portion of the school, where we will spend 7 weeks ministering and preaching the gospel in teams. This portion of DTS is especially important as it will be the practical application of everything we have been taught during the teachings and lectures.

Meet My Team

 

I want to introduce you to the men and women that I will be spending the next 7 weeks doing ministry with, we are a firey bunch, representing 5 different nations, and all carrying special giftings from the Lord. We have named ourselves team Fuego, meaning fire in Spanish, and if you spent any time with my team, you would know why as we are full of passion and love for God.

Espiritu Santo, Vanuatu

Our team will be traveling to the nation of Vanuatu which is comprised of many islands off of the Pacific, while we will be spending most of our time on the island of Espiritu Santo. Vanuatu is an extremely warm culture as it centers around hospitality and is highly relational. The nation is considered a third world country, as most Nevans (the people of Vanuatu) live in poverty and have little access to basic necessities such as healthcare.

Our ministry in Vanuatu will vary greatly depending on the Lord’s leading; however, because my team is a medical team, we will likely provide health services and health education to the villages we visit. Vanuatu has a large population of children and I am so excited to be leading the Pikinini (children’s) ministry during outreach, this will be such a sweet way to love on the children of the nation, while teaching them about God’s abundant love for them. Our primary goal for outreach is to live in community with the Nevans, caring for and investing in the Mammas, learning about their culture, and loving them with the intentionality that Jesus loved those he walked among. Our team is committed to walking by the guidance of the Holy Spirit within our ministry, and so it seems fitting that we will be working on Espiritu Santo, the “Holy Spirit” island.

How You Can Pray For Us

Outreach is going to be a very challenging and rewarding time as we will be truly pouring ourselves out over the next 7 weeks both spiritually and physically. I know my team would be blessed by prayers of safety, good health, and deep refreshment each day by the Holy Spirit- it is only by his work in us that we will be able to minister effectively. Pray for divine appointments and that the Lord would already be preparing our hearts and the hearts of those we are meant to minister. Pray that our team would walk in complete unity and that we would build each other up as we minister and live in community. Lastly, would you pray for financial break through? There is at least one member of my team who is waiting for finances to come through in order to join us on outreach, in order to join the team on outreach, they must be fully funded by next Friday.

Thank you to all who have joined me in praying over my outreach and my team, your support is a tremendous blessing.

Be Brave,
Jess

Do You Know Him?

There is a man, whose kindness so vast,
it brings a room of cynics to their knees.
Whose voice so sweet,
a single whisper brings a chasm of hope to the driest of souls.
There is a man who loves radically.
You see, he trades ashes for riches, mourning for celebration, defeat for victory, chaos for rest.
See, there is a man whose pursuit is fiercer than a wild fire,
more steadfast than a pillar,
who is not easily swayed by hearts wandering.
There is a man who saw me before the creation of the world.
Who knew the depths of my brokenness,
the weight of my imperfection,
and saw worthiness.
There is a man who gave himself up.
The extravagant gift, the ultimate ransom,
paid on a cross.
There is a man,
I call him savior.
There is this man,
his name is Jesus.
I wonder, do you know him?

No Healing in the Hustle

For as long as I can remember I have been living life amidst the hustle- more hours at work, more A papers, more commitments, more coffee dates, more Netflix, more, more, more. I think as Americans we have bought into the lie that the more we do and the more we have, the greater capacity we will have to experience happiness. I don’t know about you, but the more I live in excess, the greater frequency I feel disconnected, disengaged, and hungry for wholehearted living and relationship.

Prior to DTS I was living life in immoderation, a constant buzzing of business, I was not a soul that was at rest, I was a soul that was striving. Striving for worthiness, purpose, and the approval and acceptance of those around me. You see, on the outside I was effortless, able to say yes to anything, able to balance two jobs, grad school, ministry, all without breaking a sweat. What you don’t know is that behind the juggling I was struggling with a deep sense of loneliness, I felt unseen, and I was exhausted. On the outside I was impressive, I was poised, I was unable to be extinguished. I was hustling, and I was hiding from loneliness.

The hustling had also invaded its way into my relationships, both with God and with others. My relationship with Jesus had become one of great striving. If I was good enough, if I prayed enough, if I attended church enough, surely I would win His favor and He would respond to me, “well done my good and faithful servant.” In my relationships I sought self gratification and approval through people pleasing and pouring into others at my own expense. I would pour myself out onto others, until the deepest wells of my soul would run dry. Out of this dryness I would then turn my cup, outstretched towards others for them to fill, and then would fall into a cycle of disappointment and rejection when they couldn’t meet my needs to the extent I perceived they needed to. I was empty. I was lost. I felt like my loneliness was going to suffocate me.

My time in New Zealand has been a “Qadash” season, Hebrew for “set apart.” Set apart to break down every wall I had built up to keep the world out, set apart to discover God in a new and intimate way, set apart for stillness, and set apart to live life closer to what God designed. With each passing day God is revealing to me the sweetness of an authentic life, He is welcoming me into a life of abundance in the little things, the things that truly count. He has given me rest in exchange for my striving. He is teaching me that instead of leaning my cup outstretched towards the people in my life, that He would fill it if I only would entrust it to Him, allowing it to sit upright, oriented toward Him in the way that it was intended. Allowing Him to fill my cup. Psalm 23:5 tells us that Jesus will, anoint our head with oil, and in Him our “cup overflows.” This week I took my cup to the cross, and I placed it at His feet, and I left it there because He is the only thing I’ve found that truly satisfies this wandering soul.

Where Passion Meets Purpose

Can I ask you something? Do you promise to answer whole-heartedly and authentically?

So here it is: what sets your soul on fire?

For me it is three things, three beautiful things that make me come alive. Three things that make me look forward to my future, three things to store up hopes and dreams for.

For me it is as simple as this: Jesus, loving people, and teaching.

I’ve been a Christian for almost 10 years now, but if I’m honest I’m not sure I ever really knew how to let God infiltrate every space in my life, it’s like I lived my life in parallel with God- He was in my life and I loved Him, but my day-to-day, my career, my education, my relationships all existed almost opposite of Him. I lived a compartmentalized life. What would it look like to live a life immersed in the grace of God, immersed in His presence, walking in step with Him instead of 4 paces ahead?

This season as a DTS student has been one of total surrender, the abandonment of control, and the embracing of a life not mine but His. I knew prior to coming here that God called me to education, teaching is the place where I come alive, the place where I feel like my best self, and the place where I feel like I am able to do the most good through touching the lives of my students. I never considered to what extent my faith would intersect with my classroom, as Christianity has become relatively disconnected from the American school system.

God has been using this time to speak His purpose into my life, giving me direction and a trajectory for my career as a teacher. In spending time with Him this week, I felt Him speak to me so distinctly “I have called you to teach and to disciple, and these are not exclusive.” Teaching has taken on an even greater purpose for me, it is not just education, it is kingdom work.

I’m learning that we don’t get to choose a life where God is given only a fraction of us- God doesn’t operate in half-life transactions, He wants entirety for eternity. I am also learning that God designed us in such a way that we may live a life where our passions and divine purpose intersect, He has called me to disciple, to teach, and to multiply His kingdom, but He also knows the desires of my heart and pours out blessings and promises amidst obedience. I wasn’t created for a career, a 9-to-5 where I leave work at work and put in the minimal effort. I was created to model God’s mercy, I was wired to speak into the lives of young people, reminding them that it isn’t always going to be this way. I was created to bind up the wounds of this world one student at a time. To me there is no such thing as just a teacher.

So I’ll ask you again, what sets your soul on fire? Whatever it is, I hope that you go out and do it. It is possible for our passion and our divine purpose to intersect, in fact it’s what we were made for